Compassion and cruelty live side by side

Right now life is the way i want it to be. I’m on the path for a bright future, i have weekends that i look forward to, and most of all i have friends who love me. This is where my life should be right. It’s not perfect. heelll no. But I feel a lot of things are where they are because i have a purpose in time in my life. i dont know how to explain it.

It pisses me off when people turn on me when they don’t have their shit right. Maybe everyone should hear my side of the story before they drop me just like someone else did. You know who really needs to get the story straight is the person who thinks they’re the victim. Or maybe Im just not worthy enough to have any friends. Hell, what do I know.

i feel better…. thats all. :D

You don’t know my relationship with God. Don’t act like you do. I love God and God loves just as much as He loves you. God has a plan for everyone not just the people who “stay on the right path”. I believe that I am saved by Him so I do not need to be saved by you. Every single person on this planet has a rough patch in their life and you should be the one person that understands that. You wanna talk religion? Wanna talk about beliefs? Well I believe the people who become proud of what they do right dont have full understanding of the works and miracles of our Lord savior. Jesus’ best friend denied Him three times, but He went on loving him even though He saw it coming before it happened. If you want to live like Jesus read about Him and learn before going on and thinking that you have all of it figured out. I also believe in fellowship. God does not want us to follow Him on our own. There is a reason that there are trillions of people on this earth. For all you know the people you turned your back on because they did not fit your Godly life will end up reuniting the Christian community back together the way it should be. I promise that you would feel God more when you bring someone up then if you turned your back on them to “praise God” by yourself. Am I right? I dont know. But God does not want His followers to hurt those who they think are wrong. I know that for a fact. You don’t understand anything going on in my life, so stop judging. Remember? That’s The Lord’s job.

We used to be best friends. I mean I’ve known you since 3rd grade. When you were upset about Vance I would bring you Jamba and every time I came home from Alabama you were the first person I told all about my trip. Then all of the sudden you began to turn on me. I think it started when you told Kristin something about Zac and I that I wanted to keep confidential. It was very personal and not your news to tell. But I still continued to try to help you even though my trust for was shot. You always told me you dont understand or you’ll judge me or some shit like that. You told me that there was a point in eight grade that I wasn’t there for you. Well now is not then and it’s not like you came to me then either. How can I understand if you don’t tell me? I couldn’t help you because you wouldn’t let me. The more you acted like I wasnt there, the more I wasn’t and the less I cared. And then you come back from that stupid cruise with news about this perfect boy who is a freaking yankee by the way (no offense to the north) and all the sudden you are this perfect Christian whos got it all figured out. You start talkin shit about your friends to him and dont act like you didn’t. The only reason you are happy with God is because you are happy with Dan. That’s what it looks like. Another guy in your damn life. Good for you. there’s trillions out there did you know that? Oh did you hear? My boyfriend and I broke up. Have you bothered to ask if I am ok? No. Do you care? Probably not. It’s not like you show care for anyone but yourself selfish little girl. You came home from that cruise and your three closest friends listened about your trip with open ears and then you turn away from us. And now we don’t fit your little standards to be your friend. Want to live like Jesus? Pick someone up instead of pushing them away. Now I am so tired of you that just hearing your name makes me go pffff and get kind of angry and want to scream and yell and vent on how much my best friend shattered my heart when it was already broken. What happened to you?

Shut up. Acting like i was your hero and shit. You never showed appreciation to our friendship and now all the sudden you care. No, bullshit. You always told me how I didnt understand and that I didnt listen. Well you never talked to me and never helped understand. YOURE the one who pushed ME away. Just go on with your whole God parade. It’ll end eventually. All parades do.  

He texted me today asking to be friends. I was thinking are you crazy!! But then he said I still love you but I’ve let go of you and I questioned his truth but when I didnt give him a straight answer he didnt plead or beg or get mad. He said OK well I have my first day of college tomorrow so good night. What?? That’s it??? Wow. haha. I am extremely relieved. He admitted he needed to grow up too. Maybe we’re both moving on. I’m excited. This is exciting.  

Just because you say you’ve changed doesn’t mean you actually have. You act the same way and I am tired of constantly hurting because of you. You know I think I loved you more than you ever loved me. Your love was limited to only the good things about me but when my flaws were most apparent your loved came to screeching halt. My love for you ran deep but it slowly faded as I began to see the dark side of you which unfortunately masked the good in you. No matter what you say another MAN will love me without limits and so in turn I can love him without limits as well. I’m sorry. I’m never talking to you again.

You are truly my role model as i stated at your rehearsal dinner the night before you got married. Actually you are more than a role model you are the female figure in my life that i look up to. Well I guess that is a role model, but i think a female figure has a higher status because a teenager girl NEEDS a proper female figure in her life. You’ve given me the best advice when it comes to boys (especially Zac) that has helped me deal with relationships and break ups. You might be five years older than I am but you are my best friend. I remember that I used to kick and scream when you couldn’t spend the night after family gatherings. I always wanted you around. Sometimes you messed with me like with the twin sister but that was you being the older one picking on the younger one, and when i think about those times I laugh. We’ve been from you mooing in your sleep in a haunted bed and breakfast to running away from the cops on my fourwheelers. Memories. Memories. Memories.  I’m really glad you met Kris by the way. He is my cousin now too and I am more than happy that he’s part of our family. Yalls wedding was absolutely beautiful and amazing. The best thing is is that even with your busy schedule now that youre married you have time for your baby cuz. Not every cousin is close like we are. I might as well be blood related to you because we were meant to be cousins. I love you. :D

Mom,

I know we’ve had rough patches in our relationship at some points in our lives. You used to be a terrible alcoholic, and when you drank you morphed into a completely different person. Sometimes that alternate personality caused by the liquor caused me to be scared when I was around you especially when you had that boyfriend who drank too. Your sickness affected our relationship because once i moved in with dad I never saw you. We didn’t have weekends or one day a week together, so technically dad literally had full custody over me. But you have healed and so has our relationship. We are finally on the same page for most of the time, and I can talk to you about practically anything. On top of that you were able to pay for two years of my college already which makes me happy. Im proud of you. You truly fit the definition of mom now and i love you. I hope you’re having fun in Boston with Michael ( the good boyfriend. MARRY HIM!!).

Dad,

I know sometimes we don’t agree on some things mostly because of gender differences, but you have been there for through thick and thin. When mom was sick you made sure that you got custody over me, so I was in a safe environment. I will forever appreciate that. And even though it irritates me sometimes how much you push in school I’m glad you do. You know more than I do my full potential. It’s because of you I have straight A’s. Recently you were there for me when Zac and I broke up, and even though you didn’t say much you listened and that meant a lot. You do so much for me and I am so glad that I have you as a father. I love you daddy. And I love my car by the way. :D